Purrrfecting the Catnap.

It's lazy Saturday afternoon with Los Angeles cunty and cold outside my window, my third pot of Gloria Jean's Hazelnut coffee brewing in my igloo of a kitchen. I'm contemplating whether the despondence of the city is enough for me to stay inside my head today. Ahhhh, but I planned on doing lazy Candlelight Yoga at the gym later to bullshit myself I at least put in some "cardio". (I plan on eating fuckloads of wonderfully delicious Christmas food this holiday season cause homegirl can chow down)

So a catnap sounds about 47 shades of wonderful right now.

(....only I can't sleep at this very second.. so another 30 minutes fixed on the tedious glow of my laptop screen should do the trick...) Without further adieu, Ladies and Gents, I present my...

Recipe For An Orgasmic Catnap!:

1. At least 2 or 3 Superior Goose Down pillows. Saying "Goose Down" makes me laugh. Try it.

2. Hot Earl Grey Tea or Cocoa With Marshmellows

3.  SpaPulsh Blanket from Spa Uniforms. Inc. Great Xmas Gift, and the softest damn blanket you'll ever find at only $40. Buy here.

4. Fuzzy socks. Every last one of you should own at least 50 pairs. If not get out your credit card here.

5. Depending on whether your life's glass is half empty or half full, the most ambiguous philosophy book you can find or some good ole "Fox in Socks" by Dr. Seuss should have you snoozin' no time.

..zzzzzz..

Christmas Cheese Makes Me Sick

So I don't really care for all the Christmas cheer til maybe the 19th or 20th. I get a sinister laugh or 43 out of the whole ordeal. Maybe I just don't want to hear what a stud Rudolph is this early. Who buys this stuff over age 13 anyway? I remember just playing along for all the gingerbread, mint cookies, and hot cocoa after hot cocoa in my Aunt's designated ceramic mug that I was threatened to put to good use. 

December 4th is just waaaay too early for bell jinglin'. It's close to impossible for someone like me (who shows symptoms of IED every now and again) to stay in a pensive mood (on the cusp of publishing my first book) with a soulless philharmonic version of "Grandma Got Ran Over By A Reindeer" in the background of every Starbucks.  (Although, this is one of the less awful ballads, any Mariah Carey or Johnny Mathis Christmas rendition puts me into f#%king assassin mode):

I guess I am just a little peevish to all the pseudo-religious sentiment and engineered  devotion by means of Hallmark cards and all. I say, if you're going with the fake sentiment, at least do it with some delicious food. We all want a little instant gratification in the form of Cranberry Bliss Bars now and again!

Don't get me wrong, I love seeing the excitement on all the little kiddie's faces and enjoy taking advantage of the extensive variety of Christmas flavored teas and coffee. And there's nothing like Hunky Santa at the Beverly Center in L.A. or ice-skating at Bryant Park at night in NYC to get into the Xmas spirit.

In Honor of VEROfication's 13 Strictly Satirical Days of Xmas, Here's 5 Things To Take the seriousness away from the craziness of it all:

1. Buy your friend a African American figurine from it'sablackthang.com (you'll feel good about this, believe)

2. Send Jesse Jackson a Kwanzaa Xmas card supporting one of his more controversial actions, for example:

"Merry Christmas/Kwanzaa, Jesse! I just want to extend my support for when you rightfully suggested the White Ranger from TV's 'Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers" embodied the virtues of White Power. Keep PUSHin'! You Go, Jesse!"

(**A friend of mine actually did this and got a thank you note and calendar in return.)

3. Send out mildly offensive E-cards to your friends and family. 

4. Stock up on those wonderful pairs of pajamas with the feetsies!!

5. Just get an in-mall Glamour shot with Santa to show your family you DO have holiday spirit. Make sure to make him comfortable!!

Some L.A. Love.

Ok I was a little overly harsh on L.A. in my earlier post because I had just passed Angelyne on La Cienega and I could see the metallic pink glitter from a mile away... here's a proper L.A. dedication list, just because I heart Alex Santana :)

Things I Love About L.A.

1. Gregarious War Veterans At Coffee Beans in Westwood Village, Picking on those credulous UCLA students!

2. LA Lakers. My favorite sports team forever! Above the Steelers for me! I was born the year Pat Riley made good on his promise of the two-peat in 1988 and have been an adoring fan ever since.

3. Troubadours @ Third Street Promenade

4. Those Wonderfully Massive EGOS we all have

5. Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles. Because, like, Duhhh.

6. The LA Skyline at night. Or Even Better LANDING at LAX at night. It's one gigantic gorgeous Tron Board

7. Il Cielo on Burton with a date you really like.

8. Bar Marmont. There's a flippin shimmering PEACOCK on the wall! Nuff said.

9. Magic Johnson Movie Theatre- I had to check it out because all the cool kids were!! It is actually in the heart of a square of neighborhood juggernauts that consist of Krispy Kreme Doughnuts, Cash 4 Gold, Fatburger AND Louisiana Fried Chicken!!!

10. The Magic Castle! If you ever get invited to see a magic show here, DO IT~

11. Scary movies at Hollywood Forever Cemetery

12. HUNKY SANTA @ the Beverly Center

13. The Halloween Parades in West Hollywood and the Lovely Gentlemen who make it great

14. Equinox @ Sunset Plaza. And grilled chicken pesto paninis next door.

15. Eating Food to Sober Up at 2am while Observing MAC makeup in its melting state in florescent lighting at K24

What I will most miss and reminisce about L.A.

October will be my last real month in Los Angeles for a while so I can pull a Sarah Jessica and go to my exciting new Manhattan apartment to get real shit done! My thoughts on leaving.....




What I WON'T MISS-


1. The perfect weather. Sometimes sunshine brings out the dim-wittedness in the best of us.



2. The inaccessibility. Getting from A to B during rush hour in LA (which is pretty much every hour there's sunlight) in a very traumatic thing. It’s a nasty daily test on your sanity that I fail consistently by using the emergency lane on the 405.


3. The obscene fascination with celebrity. And how douchey they really are when they are desperately and unsuccessfully flirting with you and your BFFs at Caffé Primo.


4. The mind numbing conversations you are subject during lunchtime. And the embarrassing Top 40 background music that always seems to be playing in ANY public place.


5. The pretense. Overall lack of originality and genuine culture. Most annoying/apparent with clothing. Everyone seems to be a walking billboard for Gucci, Ed Hardy, bebe, Mercedes Benz- whatever. I have nice things too but I would never purchase something to show other folk I’m branded. That’s so cheesy. In fact nothing is really signature to L.A. but the pretense.




But I WILL MISS-


1. The perfect weather. I’m not gonna front. I will be longing for my always 70 and sunny weather come mid December in Manhattan.


2. The caricatures. The hilarious plastic women and men that aren’t aware of their own comedic value. The garish, trout-lipped, puckering women, the shameless Santa Monica blvd strutters, the ostentatious gays, the Hollywood blvd. train wrecks, the Bev hills transplants, etc, etc, etc..I've got enough laughs to last a lifetime.


3. The power of the grand entrance. Nowhere in the world does an attractive girl hold more power just by walking into a room. Everything is about the "seem" in appearances and men just go primitive when captivated by a hot girl. It’s simply fascinating to watch.


4. The Pretty Girl/Guy card. People just give you free shit all the time if you are mildly attractive and fake a smile. It's an unwritten rule in LA.


5-99..Larchmont Village, evenings on Sunset strip, lazy afternoons around West Hollywood, Main street in Santa Monica, Pacific Palisades, Zuma beach in Malibu, Studio City, all the cool Farmer's Markets, Westwood village, the Landmark theatre in West LA, Palos Verdes, Beverly center, Hollywood Bowl picnics with your artsy friends, all cool hotel lounges and dive bars and music venues, my typical hangouts- We’ve had our fun but my love has become platonic! I need to lust over exciting new crevices I find in NYC.


Aww.. this is kinda like my Dear John letter to my hometown!! I love you LA, but it's time for me to see real people now.

The VEROfication of the Day.

The VEROfication of the day will from here on out be known as my endorsement of any particular product, picture, person, Biblical passage, event, aphorism, adult toy- whatever.

So as my very first VEROfication (drum roll, please...) this better be good. Ahhhhhhh- the pressure!

I'm just gonna go with something I can't go wrong with-

CHUPA CHUPS!

That's right! The most glorious ethnic pops ever made! Now I'm all about the creamy flavors (keep your minds clean, gents)- none of that fruity BS- I'm talking the chocolate vanilla cream, peach yogurt, strawberry yogurt and strawberry cream. THESE are the flavors responsible for mercilessly tickling my salivary glands! These heavenly lollipops were actually created in 1958 by some half-genius who called himself Eric Bernat:

 LOOK at him!!!! He's not even Mexican! It is absolutely deceiving. Old Bernat looks like he invented Necco Assorted Wafers over Chupa Chups! Pepaw had me fooled.

Anyways, if you haven't tried these wonderful, mouth-watering pops I suggest you head over to your local Vallarta and pick some up immediately. Andale!

Your Airport Survival Guide

How To Make A Domestic Flight At LAX Without Checking In When Your Plane Leaves In Under An Hour AND You Need To Check Bags 


I have done this at least 30 times. Undefeated.


1. (Assuming you don't have any type of Elite Status)..Speedy Gonzalez yourself from the taxi to either the self check-in kiosk or the first class line. (Even if you aren't flying first class just do it) and after dropping a cheap compliment to the attendant, explain once they begin looking you up that your flight leaves in 45 followed immediately by another such compliment. If it's the opposite sex, flirt HEAVILY. Work it.


2. Security. This can be tricky. You have to quickly read the situation for what it is and for god's sake-- DON'T PLAY IT SAFE! You will miss your flight- guaranteed. You have to be savage. This is a lot easier if you are a girl, I know, but just run with it. If there's a long security line because for some reason you don't have Priority Access, run up to the person checking ID and tell them you are requesting a private search immediately because your wallet has been stolen. This way you get concierge-like assistance which will speed you straight through as well as the sympathy factor. They have to do it. Domestic flights still don't require I.D., just a very extensive search. When in doubt, cut everybody in line. Just do it. If you do it fast enough, they won't even know. Your time is valuable. Do Not WEIGH whether or not it's a good idea. A BAD idea would be missing your flight for some granny you didn't wanna slide by, and because... what?? You respected her too much? CUT, CUT, CUT, shank if you have to!


3. Now If you are REALLY short on time (say, 15 minutes to departure and say- hypothetically- you still need to make a trip to Starbucks) go to the nearest gate and tell the attendant that you need them to call over to your gate to confirm that you are running over at the speed of light and not to leave you. Grab your Coffee Frappuccino Light with 4 pumps sugar-free hazelnut, 2 sweet n lows, 1 scoop protein from Starbucks and mosey onto that plane like a champion.


Since I spend a majority of my time at domestic airports I have decided to compile a short list of the top five best and worst places to get stuck:


(NOTE- I am not talking city-wise, just airport wise. As in, your flight has been delayed 3 hours and you're stuck. Large bias on the number Starbucks within short walking distance, decent restaurants where the food consists of little or no trans fat, SkyLinks, clean restrooms, etc..)
BEST.
1. Detroit- I KNOW! who would have guessed?! I was overnighted here aganist my will and I really half expected to be shot once I walked through the gate. That or at least see Eminem's 8 mile entourage smoking out the Family Restroom. But no. It was so modern and impeccably clean. The walls in the main concourse were even blinged out. It was as if Diddy designed an airport.
2. Dallas/Fort Worth- Humongous as hell. Speedy check ins, modern interior, nice people who actually are concerned about helping you out. Lots of sports bars, lots of shameless Cowboys fans.
3. Pittsburgh International- Awesome mall area, never anyone in security line, gates all together, lots of good food plus entire store dedicated to every kind of sock imaginable. Everyone, and i mean EVERYONE (from the folks behind the counter at Charly's Subs to the infant being changed in the bathroom) is in their Steelers best..
4. O'Hare- Sooooo much coffee and healthy food options. Custom paninis and junk. Good stuff.
5. Any private airport. Keurig coffee machines, sweet lounges, fun folk, lot's of ass kissing your way.


WORST
1. Phoenix- The worst piece of shit excuse for an airport I've ever seen in my life. They have one Burger King and like an Outback-Hick-Refried-To Go kind of establishment. Absolutely. No. Class.
2. JFK- Too many "what if" situations due to consistently bad weather and delays. An unimpressive clusterfuck. Too much Duty Free crap as well.
3. Miami-  There's always a 99% chance if you check a bag it will be damaged or covered in mud slush from being manhandled on some of the filthiest luggage crates you've ever seen.
4. LAX- If it weren't for all the See's Candies kiosks and Starbucks I'd be a lot more pissed with LAX. I've learned to get away with murder here so it gets a bit of a pass. 
5. Fort Wayne "International"- Good luck if you get stuck here. Luxuries include one vending machine stocked entirely of Grandma's Cookies and Honey Buns and male security guards fresh from their morning Dole produce trucking job offering you a banana for "making it" by. Creepy.

Rain waltz

 I went for a walk in the rain. Only it was more of a waltz. (I have this pep-skip thing in my walk from my cheerleading days.) Rainy days are special in Los Angeles because everyone freaks out and the streets become deserted and if you are outside skipping around with a Victorian looking pink umbrella, Paul Frank PJs, flip flops, and a Butterscotch See's lollipop- you may appropriately be labeled a nutcase. I tested my balance sprinting down the slippery sidewalk curbs mirroring Shawn Johnson on the balance beam, only 100 times less graceful. Eventually, I slipped and fell on my ass. That's why I never became a ballerina or gymnast or anything like that I suddenly remembered. That fucking grace factor.

Anywhoo, I only took my Huck Finn adventures 4 blocks away from my apartment. Still, I felt like a tested gangster. Some man with his 7 year old daughter in the passenger seat offered me a ride home about half way back. I said "No, thank you". He made a right turn up ahead and 2 minutes later this human is pulling up behind me again. Can't a girl take a fucking walk in the rain anymore? Why is that weird? People in general get so offended by any behavior at odds with their own. It's retarded.

"Sweetheart, let me give you a ride. You will get wet!"
"God forbid!"
"Just get in my car. I'm taking you home."
(Reaching in my purse for the mase attached to my keychain)
"Leave. Now."
After yelling some obscenity, he speeds off.

People are so weird like that to me. I guess I look young. I know I don't help the situation sporting pigtails and pastel colors and on average looking about 17 in the day time. Yeah, I ask for it... a little. But boy, do I see some true Olympic level Creepers. It is amaaazzzing....

NOW FOR COFFEE