Men As Dogs

So here we have it- VERO-fication's Top Ten Personality Archetypes- paralleled by common canines. First of all- before anyone writes me of as a misandrist bitch- I mean this in a very interchangeable sense between the sexes- it's all just funnier with the old saying and all..

1. The Attention Whore- Poodle

Good Lord. Haven't we all seen enough of this bitch?? Truth is- every female has a snippet of the Attention Whore in her- just as every guy does with a couple females around him. It's just always annoying when it's someone else doing it.

2. The Clinger-  German Shepherd

Loyal, brains and brawn- Straight wifey material.

3. The Existentialist- Basenji

Mischievous. Aloof. Narcissistic. Hot and cold. More amused by the social scene than interested in it. Definitely my type. ;)

4. The Wimp- Chihuahua

We all know this type. When someone picks a fight in the bar on this dude, expect him to "resolve" the situation with a lightning-quick, heartfelt compliment to the menace. Pussy-whipped.

5. The Clubber- Bloodhound

Out until the wee hours of the morning every Wednesday through Sunday, perpetual bloodshot eyes, usually talking quixotic gibberish or in a violent rage. Likes really lame brand-shirts. Normal relationship lasts 4.5 days. A hot mess all around.

 

6. The Smart Ass- Border Collie

Know-it-all, know-nothings...unfortunate diarrhea of the mouth usually making up for what they lack in other (below the belt) areas. No one likes a smart ass!!

7. The Dumb Ass- Bulldog

Worse than The Smart Ass because their physical features more often than not are a tell-tale sign of retardation before they open their mouth to prove it.

8. The Psycho- Jack Russell

More prevalent in women than in men, we've all known at least one unforgettably remarkable, crazy-ass bitch.

9. The Doormat- Golden Retriever

Walk all over him; he'll pick up your dry-cleaning, do everything from the dishes to your fan mail, and cover you with kisses as you're beating him away with the morning sports page.

10. The Possessive- Doberman

Needs constant updates of your whereabouts throughout the day- the who, what, where, when, why, how- all in thesis form. But it's slightly cute.

Death of A Literary Giant: Top 15 Best 'Catcher In the Rye' Quotes.

J.D. Salinger is dead. ;( One of the few great literary geniuses still alive in 2010. No disrespect to Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, Jean Simmons, and all the celebrities who have died recently, but here is the first "public figure" (though he was anything but) who's death has made my heart sink. I have yet to meet a person who did not at least respect what a great work of fiction "The Catcher in the Rye" is, if not absolutely adore it. To say it's a cult classic is to largely diminish it's value among youths. For me, "The Catcher in the Rye" is the first piece of literature that made me enjoy reading. There's a little Holden Caulfield in every teenager. I know so many of my friends and colleagues, young and old, who place this book in their top five favorite pieces of literature ever. It's probably number three on my list...

Anyways, counting down my top 15 favorite excerpts from perhaps the most quotable book of all time...(feel free to respond with your own favorites)

15. "We horsed around a little bit in the cab on the way to the theatre. At first she didn't want to, because she had her lipstick on and all, but I was being seductive as hell and she didn't have any alternative.... Then, just to show you how crazy I am, when we were coming out of this big clinch, I told her I loved her and all. It was a lie, of course, but the thing is, I meant it when I said it. I'm crazy. I swear to god I am."

14. "All morons hate it when you call them a moron."

13. "You should of heard the crowd....You would have puked.....They were the exact same morons that laugh like hyenas in the movies at stuff that isn't funny. I swear to god, if I were a piano player or an actor or something and all those dopes thought I was terrific, I'd hate it."

12. "I'm the most terrific liar you ever saw  in your life. It's awful. If I'm on my way to the store to buy a magazine, even, and someone asks me where I'm going, I'm liable to say I'm going to the opera. It's terrible."

11. I told him to go wash his moron face- which was a pretty childish thing to say, but I was mad as hell."

10. "That's the whole trouble. You can't ever find a place that's nice and peaceful, because there isn't any. You may think there is, but once you get there, when you're not looking, somebody'll sneak up and write "F*** you" right under your nose."

9. "Take most people, they're crazy about cars. They worry if they get a little scratch on them, and they're always talking about how many miles they get to a gallon, and if they get a brand-new car already they start thinking about trading it in for one that's even newer. I don't even like old cars. I mean they don't even interest me. I'd rather have a goddam horse. A horse is at least human, for God's sake."

8. "I'm quite illiterate, but I read a lot."

7. "You take somebody that cries their goddam eyes out over phoney stuff in the movies, and nine times out of ten they're mean bastards at heart."

6. "Most girls, if you hold hands with them, their goddamn hand dies on you, or else the think they have to keep moving their hand all the time, as if they were afraid they'd bore you."

5. "In the first place, I'm sort of an atheist. I like Jesus and all, but I don't care too much for most of the other stuff in the Bible. Take the Disciples, for instance. They annoy the hell out of me, if you want to know the truth. They were all right after Jesus was dead and all, but while He was alive, they were about as much use to Him as a hole in the head. All they did was keep letting Him down. I like almost anybody in the Bible better than the Disciples. If you want to know the truth, the guy I like best in the Bible, next to Jesus, was that lunatic and all, that lived in the tombs and kept cutting himself with stones. I like him ten times as much as the Disciples, that poor bastard."

4.  “People always think something’s all true."

3. "These intellectual guys don't like to have an intellectual conversation with you unless they're running the whole thing.... He'd always want  everybody to go back to their own room and shut up when he was finished being the big shot. The thing he was afraid of, he was afraid somebody'd say something smarter than he had."

2. "I think if you don't really like a girl, you shouldn't horse around with her at all, and if you do like her, then you're supposed to like her face, and if you like her face, you ought to be careful about doing crumby stuff to it."

1. "What really knocks me out is a book that, when you're all done reading it, you wish the author that wrote it was a terrific friend of yours and you could call him up on the phone whenever you felt like it. That doesn't happen much, though."

Rest in Peace

J.D. Salinger 1919-2010

VEROflick: Broken Embraces

I absolutely adored this film.

Don't get turned off by the subtitles (It actually makes this movie better)- I'm telling you- if you have a half a brain and at least one eye, you should love this flick. Amid the plethora of Grade F mainstream films out nowadays, with recycled plots and overexposed actors, this original dark comedy is a refreshing departure with Penélope Cruz, Lluís Homar, and Jose Luis Gomez all giving inspiring performances of life caught in a treacherous love triangle that's delightfully sinister, darkly hilarious and beautifully senusous.

It's an exuburant tragi-comedy, non-cheesy, and beautifully shot. You can take a date, a grandparent or roll solo. VERO-fied sexy.

The UnVERO-fied Item Of The Day

Maria Sharapova's Busted Peacock Dress

Whoever gave her the idea this negligee was okay to wear to a tennis match needs to take a Slegehammer to the face. She looks like she used her lunch break from fruit vending to run to the park to play with her racket.

I had to google Anna Kournikova to remind myself that women tennis players are occasionally hot. And not Thunder Thigh hot. You know what I mean.

The Plantain and Jesus are Equals.

I love plantains! They are so exciting! So banana-like but not, so yam-like but not, so chewy, so warm, so phallus shaped, so good! The plantain is a breed of food so special it should only be reserved to satisfy the salivary glands of the Apostles and a few fine food aficionado's, myself foremost included.

I ate at Cafe Havana (VERO-fied restaurant) in SoHo today and my love of plantain's was immediately renewed. All of Whitman's sappiest poetry must've been written while he was in the middle of devouring a perfectly cooked, sweet plantain (with just a bit of Sea Salt) in his pensive state. What I'm trying to say is, if your girlfriend/boyfriend is like me, you cook 'em a fucking plantain and they'll probably be your love slave for the night .

Cardboard Fuckers.

Putting your life into flimsy, boring FeD EX boxes is a really scary thing to do! One thing is certain- it will make you a less materialistic person- at the very least. As most of you already know, I am moving from L.A. to NYC on Wednesday so it's all very, very last minute, which anyway is the only way I know how to work................Still..................... it's weird.

Like I said on my Twitter-I hate planning to move anywhere. I like my moves abrupt- that's physical, mental- whatever.

Conscious of the fact we are now well into winter, I decided the first thing to go was 99% of all my- mostly Japanese inspired- bright, pastel teen clothes. Right away, that got rid of about 60% of my casual wear. Then I just start treating every article of clothing in my closet like an individual auditioning for American Idol. Destination Manhattan instead of Hollywood. NOTHING was making to cut to NY!! A lot of the potential "keepers" got humiliated and thrown across the room to hit the wall and drop into my Hello Kitty trash can. They were either too flimsy, too sheer, too pink, too 18-year-old, too L.A., too NY, too old, too trendy, too blasé..

I narrowed my necessities down to this short list:

1. "Sentimental's" (photographs, letters, cards, certificates of excellence/achievement)

2. All my writing journals and my laptop

3. My lacuna acoustic guitar

4. My philosophy book collection... with heavy respect to Kierkegaard (I collect all his works, journals, college essays, etc..)

5. My favorite old time children's books including first edition copies of 'Madeline', 'Babar' and 'Ferdinand the bull'

6. My grandmother's brass music box with the gold ballerina

7. My Elliott Smith vinyl's and rare concert proofs

8. My pink wraps, knee pads and boxing gloves

9. A few little knick knacks, shoes, heavy coats, and an minimum amount of clothes.

And I feel like I'm missing something.........Feel more than free to tell me what else I need for NY that I can't get there ;) Night!

VERO-fied Thought of the Day. (With Penis Pictures!)

If you phallus owners could wish for the perfect flesh-and-blood woman this X-mas season (and no, not something out of "Lars and the Real Girl"), I think I just may have some idea what the overall consensus is.. You know I'm going to take a wild guess anyway that this ideal female prototype is..

1. Absolutely beautiful BUT not too conscious of it (shows some vulnerability)

2. Insatiable in the bedroom BUT not in her closet. (Not too materialistic)

3. Spontaneous BUT consistent. (daytime girl next door, evening seductress)

4. A 'girly-girl' BUT appreciates Sunday Night Football!

5. Intellectually mature BUT is less than shy on the dance floor (book smart and street smart).

6. Compassionate BUT Competitive

7. (Roll the Webbie track..) I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T BUT not to the point of diminishing that Alpha-Male Ego

8. Idiosyncratic BUT not Indecisive

9. Domestic BUT only when it comes to cooking and cleaning. FOXY in all other areas. (Corny I KNOW but it works)

10. So overall... one fucking huge (well, size 2-6) witty, gorgeous, sex-crazed CONTRADICTION.

And I'm not even being cynical! Hell, That's what I'd want.  ;-P. This concludes your VERO-fied Thought Of The Day.