Sunday, December 20, 2009

Cardboard Fuckers.

Putting your life into flimsy, boring FeD EX boxes is a really scary thing to do! One thing is certain- it will make you a less materialistic person- at the very least. As most of you already know, I am moving from L.A. to NYC on Wednesday so it's all very, very last minute, which anyway is the only way I know how to work................Still..................... it's weird.


Like I said on my Twitter-I hate planning to move anywhere. I like my moves abrupt- that's physical, mental- whatever.
Conscious of the fact we are now well into winter, I decided the first thing to go was 99% of all my- mostly Japanese inspired- bright, pastel teen clothes. Right away, that got rid of about 60% of my casual wear. Then I just start treating every article of clothing in my closet like an individual auditioning for American Idol. Destination Manhattan instead of Hollywood. NOTHING was making to cut to NY!! A lot of the potential "keepers" got humiliated and thrown across the room to hit the wall and drop into my Hello Kitty trash can. They were either too flimsy, too sheer, too pink, too 18-year-old, too L.A., too NY, too old, too trendy, too blasé..



I narrowed my necessities down to this short list:


1. "Sentimental's" (photographs, letters, cards, certificates of excellence/achievement)


2. All my writing journals and my laptop


3. My lacuna acoustic guitar


4. My philosophy book collection... with heavy respect to Kierkegaard (I collect all his works, journals, college essays, etc..)


5. My favorite old time children's books including first edition copies of 'Madeline', 'Babar' and 'Ferdinand the bull'


6. My grandmother's brass music box with the gold ballerina


7. My Elliott Smith vinyl's and rare concert proofs


8. My pink wraps, knee pads and boxing gloves


9. A few little knick knacks, shoes, heavy coats, and an minimum amount of clothes.




And I feel like I'm missing something.........Feel more than free to tell me what else I need for NY that I can't get there ;) Night!

Monday, December 7, 2009

VERO-fied Thought of the Day. (With Penis Pictures!)





If you phallus owners could wish for the perfect flesh-and-blood woman this X-mas season (and no, not something out of "Lars and the Real Girl"), I think I just may have some idea what the overall consensus is.. You know I'm going to take a wild guess anyway that this ideal female prototype is..





1. Absolutely beautiful BUT not too conscious of it (shows some vulnerability)


2. Insatiable in the bedroom BUT not in her closet. (Not too materialistic)


3. Spontaneous BUT consistent. (daytime girl next door, evening seductress)






4. A 'girly-girl' BUT appreciates Sunday Night Football!


5. Intellectually mature BUT is less than shy on the dance floor (book smart and street smart).


6. Compassionate BUT Competitive






7. (Roll the Webbie track..) I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T BUT not to the point of diminishing that Alpha-Male Ego


8. Idiosyncratic BUT not Indecisive


9. Domestic BUT only when it comes to cooking and cleaning. FOXY in all other areas. (Corny I KNOW but it works)


10. So overall... one fucking huge (well, size 2-6) witty, gorgeous, sex-crazed CONTRADICTION.




And I'm not even being cynical! Hell, That's what I'd want.  ;-P. This concludes your VERO-fied Thought Of The Day.








Saturday, December 5, 2009

Purrrfecting the Catnap.

It's lazy Saturday afternoon with Los Angeles cunty and cold outside my window, my third pot of Gloria Jean's Hazelnut coffee brewing in my igloo of a kitchen. I'm contemplating whether the despondence of the city is enough for me to stay inside my head today. Ahhhh, but I planned on doing lazy Candlelight Yoga at the gym later to bullshit myself I at least put in some "cardio". (I plan on eating fuckloads of wonderfully delicious Christmas food this holiday season cause homegirl can chow down)



So a catnap sounds about 47 shades of wonderful right now.
(....only I can't sleep at this very second.. so another 30 minutes fixed on the tedious glow of my laptop screen should do the trick...) Without further adieu, Ladies and Gents, I present my...





Recipe For An Orgasmic Catnap!:


1. At least 2 or 3 Superior Goose Down pillows. Saying "Goose Down" makes me laugh. Try it.






2. Hot Earl Grey Tea or Cocoa With Marshmellows






3.  SpaPulsh Blanket from Spa Uniforms. Inc. Great Xmas Gift, and the softest damn blanket you'll ever find at only $40. Buy here.




4. Fuzzy socks. Every last one of you should own at least 50 pairs. If not get out your credit card here.





5. Depending on whether your life's glass is half empty or half full, the most ambiguous philosophy book you can find or some good ole "Fox in Socks" by Dr. Seuss should have you snoozin' no time.



..zzzzzz..

Friday, December 4, 2009

Christmas Cheese Makes Me Sick


So I don't really care for all the Christmas cheer til maybe the 19th or 20th. I get a sinister laugh or 43 out of the whole ordeal. Maybe I just don't want to hear what a stud Rudolph is this early. Who buys this stuff over age 13 anyway? I remember just playing along for all the gingerbread, mint cookies, and hot cocoa after hot cocoa in my Aunt's designated ceramic mug that I was threatened to put to good use. 


December 4th is just waaaay too early for bell jinglin'. It's close to impossible for someone like me (who shows symptoms of IED every now and again) to stay in a pensive mood (on the cusp of publishing my first book) with a soulless philharmonic version of "Grandma Got Ran Over By A Reindeer" in the background of every Starbucks.  (Although, this is one of the less awful ballads, any Mariah Carey or Johnny Mathis Christmas rendition puts me into f#%king assassin mode):





I guess I am just a little peevish to all the pseudo-religious sentiment and engineered  devotion by means of Hallmark cards and all. I say, if you're going with the fake sentiment, at least do it with some delicious food. We all want a little instant gratification in the form of Cranberry Bliss Bars now and again!

Don't get me wrong, I love seeing the excitement on all the little kiddie's faces and enjoy taking advantage of the extensive variety of Christmas flavored teas and coffee. And there's nothing like Hunky Santa at the Beverly Center in L.A. or ice-skating at Bryant Park at night in NYC to get into the Xmas spirit.




In Honor of VEROfication's 13 Strictly Satirical Days of Xmas, Here's 5 Things To Take the seriousness away from the craziness of it all:

1. Buy your friend a African American figurine from it'sablackthang.com (you'll feel good about this, believe)






2. Send Jesse Jackson a Kwanzaa Xmas card supporting one of his more controversial actions, for example:

"Merry Christmas/Kwanzaa, Jesse! I just want to extend my support for when you rightfully suggested the White Ranger from TV's 'Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers" embodied the virtues of White Power. Keep PUSHin'! You Go, Jesse!"



(**A friend of mine actually did this and got a thank you note and calendar in return.)


3. Send out mildly offensive E-cards to your friends and family. 





4. Stock up on those wonderful pairs of pajamas with the feetsies!!





5. Just get an in-mall Glamour shot with Santa to show your family you DO have holiday spirit. Make sure to make him comfortable!!