Christmas Cheese Makes Me Sick

So I don't really care for all the Christmas cheer til maybe the 19th or 20th. I get a sinister laugh or 43 out of the whole ordeal. Maybe I just don't want to hear what a stud Rudolph is this early. Who buys this stuff over age 13 anyway? I remember just playing along for all the gingerbread, mint cookies, and hot cocoa after hot cocoa in my Aunt's designated ceramic mug that I was threatened to put to good use. 

December 4th is just waaaay too early for bell jinglin'. It's close to impossible for someone like me (who shows symptoms of IED every now and again) to stay in a pensive mood (on the cusp of publishing my first book) with a soulless philharmonic version of "Grandma Got Ran Over By A Reindeer" in the background of every Starbucks.  (Although, this is one of the less awful ballads, any Mariah Carey or Johnny Mathis Christmas rendition puts me into f#%king assassin mode):

I guess I am just a little peevish to all the pseudo-religious sentiment and engineered  devotion by means of Hallmark cards and all. I say, if you're going with the fake sentiment, at least do it with some delicious food. We all want a little instant gratification in the form of Cranberry Bliss Bars now and again!

Don't get me wrong, I love seeing the excitement on all the little kiddie's faces and enjoy taking advantage of the extensive variety of Christmas flavored teas and coffee. And there's nothing like Hunky Santa at the Beverly Center in L.A. or ice-skating at Bryant Park at night in NYC to get into the Xmas spirit.

In Honor of VEROfication's 13 Strictly Satirical Days of Xmas, Here's 5 Things To Take the seriousness away from the craziness of it all:

1. Buy your friend a African American figurine from it'sablackthang.com (you'll feel good about this, believe)

2. Send Jesse Jackson a Kwanzaa Xmas card supporting one of his more controversial actions, for example:

"Merry Christmas/Kwanzaa, Jesse! I just want to extend my support for when you rightfully suggested the White Ranger from TV's 'Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers" embodied the virtues of White Power. Keep PUSHin'! You Go, Jesse!"

(**A friend of mine actually did this and got a thank you note and calendar in return.)

3. Send out mildly offensive E-cards to your friends and family. 

4. Stock up on those wonderful pairs of pajamas with the feetsies!!

5. Just get an in-mall Glamour shot with Santa to show your family you DO have holiday spirit. Make sure to make him comfortable!!