Your Airport Survival Guide

How To Make A Domestic Flight At LAX Without Checking In When Your Plane Leaves In Under An Hour AND You Need To Check Bags 


I have done this at least 30 times. Undefeated.


1. (Assuming you don't have any type of Elite Status)..Speedy Gonzalez yourself from the taxi to either the self check-in kiosk or the first class line. (Even if you aren't flying first class just do it) and after dropping a cheap compliment to the attendant, explain once they begin looking you up that your flight leaves in 45 followed immediately by another such compliment. If it's the opposite sex, flirt HEAVILY. Work it.


2. Security. This can be tricky. You have to quickly read the situation for what it is and for god's sake-- DON'T PLAY IT SAFE! You will miss your flight- guaranteed. You have to be savage. This is a lot easier if you are a girl, I know, but just run with it. If there's a long security line because for some reason you don't have Priority Access, run up to the person checking ID and tell them you are requesting a private search immediately because your wallet has been stolen. This way you get concierge-like assistance which will speed you straight through as well as the sympathy factor. They have to do it. Domestic flights still don't require I.D., just a very extensive search. When in doubt, cut everybody in line. Just do it. If you do it fast enough, they won't even know. Your time is valuable. Do Not WEIGH whether or not it's a good idea. A BAD idea would be missing your flight for some granny you didn't wanna slide by, and because... what?? You respected her too much? CUT, CUT, CUT, shank if you have to!


3. Now If you are REALLY short on time (say, 15 minutes to departure and say- hypothetically- you still need to make a trip to Starbucks) go to the nearest gate and tell the attendant that you need them to call over to your gate to confirm that you are running over at the speed of light and not to leave you. Grab your Coffee Frappuccino Light with 4 pumps sugar-free hazelnut, 2 sweet n lows, 1 scoop protein from Starbucks and mosey onto that plane like a champion.


Since I spend a majority of my time at domestic airports I have decided to compile a short list of the top five best and worst places to get stuck:


(NOTE- I am not talking city-wise, just airport wise. As in, your flight has been delayed 3 hours and you're stuck. Large bias on the number Starbucks within short walking distance, decent restaurants where the food consists of little or no trans fat, SkyLinks, clean restrooms, etc..)
BEST.
1. Detroit- I KNOW! who would have guessed?! I was overnighted here aganist my will and I really half expected to be shot once I walked through the gate. That or at least see Eminem's 8 mile entourage smoking out the Family Restroom. But no. It was so modern and impeccably clean. The walls in the main concourse were even blinged out. It was as if Diddy designed an airport.
2. Dallas/Fort Worth- Humongous as hell. Speedy check ins, modern interior, nice people who actually are concerned about helping you out. Lots of sports bars, lots of shameless Cowboys fans.
3. Pittsburgh International- Awesome mall area, never anyone in security line, gates all together, lots of good food plus entire store dedicated to every kind of sock imaginable. Everyone, and i mean EVERYONE (from the folks behind the counter at Charly's Subs to the infant being changed in the bathroom) is in their Steelers best..
4. O'Hare- Sooooo much coffee and healthy food options. Custom paninis and junk. Good stuff.
5. Any private airport. Keurig coffee machines, sweet lounges, fun folk, lot's of ass kissing your way.


WORST
1. Phoenix- The worst piece of shit excuse for an airport I've ever seen in my life. They have one Burger King and like an Outback-Hick-Refried-To Go kind of establishment. Absolutely. No. Class.
2. JFK- Too many "what if" situations due to consistently bad weather and delays. An unimpressive clusterfuck. Too much Duty Free crap as well.
3. Miami-  There's always a 99% chance if you check a bag it will be damaged or covered in mud slush from being manhandled on some of the filthiest luggage crates you've ever seen.
4. LAX- If it weren't for all the See's Candies kiosks and Starbucks I'd be a lot more pissed with LAX. I've learned to get away with murder here so it gets a bit of a pass. 
5. Fort Wayne "International"- Good luck if you get stuck here. Luxuries include one vending machine stocked entirely of Grandma's Cookies and Honey Buns and male security guards fresh from their morning Dole produce trucking job offering you a banana for "making it" by. Creepy.