Sunday, December 20, 2009

Cardboard Fuckers.

Putting your life into flimsy, boring FeD EX boxes is a really scary thing to do! One thing is certain- it will make you a less materialistic person- at the very least. As most of you already know, I am moving from L.A. to NYC on Wednesday so it's all very, very last minute, which anyway is the only way I know how to work................Still..................... it's weird.


Like I said on my Twitter-I hate planning to move anywhere. I like my moves abrupt- that's physical, mental- whatever.
Conscious of the fact we are now well into winter, I decided the first thing to go was 99% of all my- mostly Japanese inspired- bright, pastel teen clothes. Right away, that got rid of about 60% of my casual wear. Then I just start treating every article of clothing in my closet like an individual auditioning for American Idol. Destination Manhattan instead of Hollywood. NOTHING was making to cut to NY!! A lot of the potential "keepers" got humiliated and thrown across the room to hit the wall and drop into my Hello Kitty trash can. They were either too flimsy, too sheer, too pink, too 18-year-old, too L.A., too NY, too old, too trendy, too blasĂ©..



I narrowed my necessities down to this short list:


1. "Sentimental's" (photographs, letters, cards, certificates of excellence/achievement)


2. All my writing journals and my laptop


3. My lacuna acoustic guitar


4. My philosophy book collection... with heavy respect to Kierkegaard (I collect all his works, journals, college essays, etc..)


5. My favorite old time children's books including first edition copies of 'Madeline', 'Babar' and 'Ferdinand the bull'


6. My grandmother's brass music box with the gold ballerina


7. My Elliott Smith vinyl's and rare concert proofs


8. My pink wraps, knee pads and boxing gloves


9. A few little knick knacks, shoes, heavy coats, and an minimum amount of clothes.




And I feel like I'm missing something.........Feel more than free to tell me what else I need for NY that I can't get there ;) Night!

Monday, December 7, 2009

VERO-fied Thought of the Day. (With Penis Pictures!)





If you phallus owners could wish for the perfect flesh-and-blood woman this X-mas season (and no, not something out of "Lars and the Real Girl"), I think I just may have some idea what the overall consensus is.. You know I'm going to take a wild guess anyway that this ideal female prototype is..





1. Absolutely beautiful BUT not too conscious of it (shows some vulnerability)


2. Insatiable in the bedroom BUT not in her closet. (Not too materialistic)


3. Spontaneous BUT consistent. (daytime girl next door, evening seductress)






4. A 'girly-girl' BUT appreciates Sunday Night Football!


5. Intellectually mature BUT is less than shy on the dance floor (book smart and street smart).


6. Compassionate BUT Competitive






7. (Roll the Webbie track..) I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T BUT not to the point of diminishing that Alpha-Male Ego


8. Idiosyncratic BUT not Indecisive


9. Domestic BUT only when it comes to cooking and cleaning. FOXY in all other areas. (Corny I KNOW but it works)


10. So overall... one fucking huge (well, size 2-6) witty, gorgeous, sex-crazed CONTRADICTION.




And I'm not even being cynical! Hell, That's what I'd want.  ;-P. This concludes your VERO-fied Thought Of The Day.








Saturday, December 5, 2009

Purrrfecting the Catnap.

It's lazy Saturday afternoon with Los Angeles cunty and cold outside my window, my third pot of Gloria Jean's Hazelnut coffee brewing in my igloo of a kitchen. I'm contemplating whether the despondence of the city is enough for me to stay inside my head today. Ahhhh, but I planned on doing lazy Candlelight Yoga at the gym later to bullshit myself I at least put in some "cardio". (I plan on eating fuckloads of wonderfully delicious Christmas food this holiday season cause homegirl can chow down)



So a catnap sounds about 47 shades of wonderful right now.
(....only I can't sleep at this very second.. so another 30 minutes fixed on the tedious glow of my laptop screen should do the trick...) Without further adieu, Ladies and Gents, I present my...





Recipe For An Orgasmic Catnap!:


1. At least 2 or 3 Superior Goose Down pillows. Saying "Goose Down" makes me laugh. Try it.






2. Hot Earl Grey Tea or Cocoa With Marshmellows






3.  SpaPulsh Blanket from Spa Uniforms. Inc. Great Xmas Gift, and the softest damn blanket you'll ever find at only $40. Buy here.




4. Fuzzy socks. Every last one of you should own at least 50 pairs. If not get out your credit card here.





5. Depending on whether your life's glass is half empty or half full, the most ambiguous philosophy book you can find or some good ole "Fox in Socks" by Dr. Seuss should have you snoozin' no time.



..zzzzzz..

Friday, December 4, 2009

Christmas Cheese Makes Me Sick


So I don't really care for all the Christmas cheer til maybe the 19th or 20th. I get a sinister laugh or 43 out of the whole ordeal. Maybe I just don't want to hear what a stud Rudolph is this early. Who buys this stuff over age 13 anyway? I remember just playing along for all the gingerbread, mint cookies, and hot cocoa after hot cocoa in my Aunt's designated ceramic mug that I was threatened to put to good use. 


December 4th is just waaaay too early for bell jinglin'. It's close to impossible for someone like me (who shows symptoms of IED every now and again) to stay in a pensive mood (on the cusp of publishing my first book) with a soulless philharmonic version of "Grandma Got Ran Over By A Reindeer" in the background of every Starbucks.  (Although, this is one of the less awful ballads, any Mariah Carey or Johnny Mathis Christmas rendition puts me into f#%king assassin mode):





I guess I am just a little peevish to all the pseudo-religious sentiment and engineered  devotion by means of Hallmark cards and all. I say, if you're going with the fake sentiment, at least do it with some delicious food. We all want a little instant gratification in the form of Cranberry Bliss Bars now and again!

Don't get me wrong, I love seeing the excitement on all the little kiddie's faces and enjoy taking advantage of the extensive variety of Christmas flavored teas and coffee. And there's nothing like Hunky Santa at the Beverly Center in L.A. or ice-skating at Bryant Park at night in NYC to get into the Xmas spirit.




In Honor of VEROfication's 13 Strictly Satirical Days of Xmas, Here's 5 Things To Take the seriousness away from the craziness of it all:

1. Buy your friend a African American figurine from it'sablackthang.com (you'll feel good about this, believe)






2. Send Jesse Jackson a Kwanzaa Xmas card supporting one of his more controversial actions, for example:

"Merry Christmas/Kwanzaa, Jesse! I just want to extend my support for when you rightfully suggested the White Ranger from TV's 'Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers" embodied the virtues of White Power. Keep PUSHin'! You Go, Jesse!"



(**A friend of mine actually did this and got a thank you note and calendar in return.)


3. Send out mildly offensive E-cards to your friends and family. 





4. Stock up on those wonderful pairs of pajamas with the feetsies!!





5. Just get an in-mall Glamour shot with Santa to show your family you DO have holiday spirit. Make sure to make him comfortable!!




Thursday, October 29, 2009

Some L.A. Love.

Ok I was a little overly harsh on L.A. in my earlier post because I had just passed Angelyne on La Cienega and I could see the metallic pink glitter from a mile away... here's a proper L.A. dedication list, just because I heart Alex Santana :)




Things I Love About L.A.

1. Gregarious War Veterans At Coffee Beans in Westwood Village, Picking on those credulous UCLA students!





2. LA Lakers. My favorite sports team forever! Above the Steelers for me! I was born the year Pat Riley made good on his promise of the two-peat in 1988 and have been an adoring fan ever since.





3. Troubadours @ Third Street Promenade





4. Those Wonderfully Massive EGOS we all have





5. Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles. Because, like, Duhhh.





6. The LA Skyline at night. Or Even Better LANDING at LAX at night. It's one gigantic gorgeous Tron Board





7. Il Cielo on Burton with a date you really like.





8. Bar Marmont. There's a flippin shimmering PEACOCK on the wall! Nuff said.





9. Magic Johnson Movie Theatre- I had to check it out because all the cool kids were!! It is actually in the heart of a square of neighborhood juggernauts that consist of Krispy Kreme Doughnuts, Cash 4 Gold, Fatburger AND Louisiana Fried Chicken!!!





10. The Magic Castle! If you ever get invited to see a magic show here, DO IT~





11. Scary movies at Hollywood Forever Cemetery





12. HUNKY SANTA @ the Beverly Center






13. The Halloween Parades in West Hollywood and the Lovely Gentlemen who make it great




14. Equinox @ Sunset Plaza. And grilled chicken pesto paninis next door.






15. Eating Food to Sober Up at 2am while Observing MAC makeup in its melting state in florescent lighting at K24




Wednesday, October 28, 2009

What I will most miss and reminisce about L.A.

October will be my last real month in Los Angeles for a while so I can pull a Sarah Jessica and go to my exciting new Manhattan apartment to get real shit done! My thoughts on leaving.....




What I WON'T MISS-


1. The perfect weather. Sometimes sunshine brings out the dim-wittedness in the best of us.



2. The inaccessibility. Getting from A to B during rush hour in LA (which is pretty much every hour there's sunlight) in a very traumatic thing. It’s a nasty daily test on your sanity that I fail consistently by using the emergency lane on the 405.


3. The obscene fascination with celebrity. And how douchey they really are when they are desperately and unsuccessfully flirting with you and your BFFs at Caffé Primo.


4. The mind numbing conversations you are subject during lunchtime. And the embarrassing Top 40 background music that always seems to be playing in ANY public place.


5. The pretense. Overall lack of originality and genuine culture. Most annoying/apparent with clothing. Everyone seems to be a walking billboard for Gucci, Ed Hardy, bebe, Mercedes Benz- whatever. I have nice things too but I would never purchase something to show other folk I’m branded. That’s so cheesy. In fact nothing is really signature to L.A. but the pretense.




But I WILL MISS-


1. The perfect weather. I’m not gonna front. I will be longing for my always 70 and sunny weather come mid December in Manhattan.


2. The caricatures. The hilarious plastic women and men that aren’t aware of their own comedic value. The garish, trout-lipped, puckering women, the shameless Santa Monica blvd strutters, the ostentatious gays, the Hollywood blvd. train wrecks, the Bev hills transplants, etc, etc, etc..I've got enough laughs to last a lifetime.


3. The power of the grand entrance. Nowhere in the world does an attractive girl hold more power just by walking into a room. Everything is about the "seem" in appearances and men just go primitive when captivated by a hot girl. It’s simply fascinating to watch.


4. The Pretty Girl/Guy card. People just give you free shit all the time if you are mildly attractive and fake a smile. It's an unwritten rule in LA.


5-99..Larchmont Village, evenings on Sunset strip, lazy afternoons around West Hollywood, Main street in Santa Monica, Pacific Palisades, Zuma beach in Malibu, Studio City, all the cool Farmer's Markets, Westwood village, the Landmark theatre in West LA, Palos Verdes, Beverly center, Hollywood Bowl picnics with your artsy friends, all cool hotel lounges and dive bars and music venues, my typical hangouts- We’ve had our fun but my love has become platonic! I need to lust over exciting new crevices I find in NYC.


Aww.. this is kinda like my Dear John letter to my hometown!! I love you LA, but it's time for me to see real people now.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

The VEROfication of the Day.

The VEROfication of the day will from here on out be known as my endorsement of any particular product, picture, person, Biblical passage, event, aphorism, adult toy- whatever.

So as my very first VEROfication (drum roll, please...) this better be good. Ahhhhhhh- the pressure!

I'm just gonna go with something I can't go wrong with-

CHUPA CHUPS!




That's right! The most glorious ethnic pops ever made! Now I'm all about the creamy flavors (keep your minds clean, gents)- none of that fruity BS- I'm talking the chocolate vanilla cream, peach yogurt, strawberry yogurt and strawberry cream. THESE are the flavors responsible for mercilessly tickling my salivary glands! These heavenly lollipops were actually created in 1958 by some half-genius who called himself Eric Bernat:






 LOOK at him!!!! He's not even Mexican! It is absolutely deceiving. Old Bernat looks like he invented Necco Assorted Wafers over Chupa Chups! Pepaw had me fooled.


Anyways, if you haven't tried these wonderful, mouth-watering pops I suggest you head over to your local Vallarta and pick some up immediately. Andale!